Lord Voldemort is Stephenie Meyer
by RachelisGiraffe
Summary: The shocking truth about the author of Twilight. What dark secrets lie behind the facade of sparkles and vampires? A theory/rant.
1. Introduction

_**Note:** This is a rather pointless and amusing rant about an idea invented by myself and a friend. However silly, it is completely factual and deserves your serious consideration. The purpose of this is not to offend you, nor your mother, nor your friends, nor any of their beliefs, but is simply meant to prepare you for an epidemic that you have been previously been unaware of._

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**Introduction.**

In 2005, the innocent, pure shelves of Borders, Barnes and Nobles, and public libraries were suddenly introduced to a binding of paper and ink. At first glance, the black cover bearing a pair of white arms holding out a crisp, scarlet apple seem harmless enough. Then, the curious reader, having already sampled just about every other book in the teen section, plucks this new additions off the shelf and examines it. A heavy book, indeed, sporting nearly five hundred pages, the reader's mind is suddenly filled with images of themself, sitting in the classroom or at the back of the coffee shop with this enormous chunk of novel propped open before them. Oh, how pretentious they'll seem when people notice them flipping through such a large volume. The reader then flips the book over to read the summary on the back cover. Their eyes grow larger and larger as the words pass before their slowly scanning eyes, and they nearly drop the entire book in surprise. Shaking their head in disbelief, they murmuer, "No... Not... _Vampires_."

If the reader possessed any amount of brain cells, they'd take this offensive find, shove it back between the books it had originated from, and hurry away from this aisle to wash their hands of this indignity. Unfortunately, the majority of people, particularly young girls between the ages of ten and sixteen, would _not_ put down this novel, as appropriate, and would actually bring it up to the front desk, dig out their money from within their Hello Kitty wallet, and leave swinging it merrily in its plastic bag. Unfortunately for these people, it seems the horrors awaiting are already inevitable.

If you hadn't already pieced it together, this is an announcement regarding the book_ Twilight_, and all its sequels and counterparts, and how it is, in fact, the work of the infamous Lord Voldemort.


	2. Elaboration

**Elaboration.**

At the end of the final installment of the _Harry Potter _series, Mr. Potter faces the Dark Lord in a duel and wins, destroying Voldy completely. Or did he? For those of you who haven't read the books, Voldemort created seven Horcruxes (one by accident). Horcruxes are a way of becoming somewhat immortal. When you murder a person, your soul is ripped apart, and if you capture a fragment of your soul in an object, you basically have two souls. So, Harry Potter and his gang set out to destroy all the Horcruxes so that they could come back and defeat Voldemort. But what if they _didn't_ find all the Horcruxes? What if Voldemort had an eighth Horcrux? This, it seems, is becoming a very real possibility.

It appears that Voldemort, much like his first time being defeated, has been growing ever since. Considering the _Harry Potter _books took place in the 90s, he's had plenty of time to revive. Now, he's back, and he's looking to take the world yet again. This time, however, he has a new plan. This time, he intends on using Muggles for his army.

Voldemort observed the Muggle world, noted its weaknesses, what they enjoyed, what they didn't. He realized that the Muggles were quite attracted to literature and cinema, and from this cognition did he hatch a sinister plan. Making a movie would be quite difficult, he decided; he'd need a screenwriter, director, actors, producer, and all the details of a movie that would make it a success. So, he chose literature. Compiling a list of what Muggles like in a book, he began to write his novel. Not giving any thought to the plot or characters, he typed away furiously for a week, spitting out whatever words that popped into his head and occasionally glancing through the thesaurus to pull out the biggest synonym he could find.

When he was finished, he had a massive tangle of sentences and chapters that were so incoherent and overflowing with plotholes that even he had trouble looking at it. There was no possible way any editor would take a second glance at this piece of rubbish. So, Lord Voldemort did what any respectable author with a horrible story would do. He used the Imperius Curse on an entire publishing company and forced them to print his book.

Now, Voldemort couldn't just brandish his name on the cover of a novel. That would be far too obvious. So, he constructed a pen name for himself, using the letters already in his name (obviously adding and taking out a few letters where needed) to make Stephenie Meyer. Then, to make it more legit, he found himself a dowdy, fat, lonely housewife and put her under the Imperius Curse, using her as a puppet and sending her off to book signings and interviews.

The worst part of all this isn't that Voldemort is filling our book stores with his disgusting, retna-offending rubbish, but that every single copy of _Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, _and _Breaking Dawn _are enchanted with a horrible curse that, when you touch it, turns you into a mindless, drooling fangirl with no dignity who writes fanfictions about how Edward will one day smash through your window and carry you away into the sunset or have heated arguments online about who is more compatible for Bella: Jacob or Eddykins.

Now, you may say, "But I've read it, and I'm perfectly sane and dignified and refuse to conform to the growing plague of shameless Twihards." If so, congratulations! You're one of the people still possessing enough of your brain power to know the difference between a good piece of literature and a complete waste of trees. This may also imply that you have a bit of magic in your blood, or that you're a full-blood wizard and have either yet to realize or prefer to keep it a secret.

As well as putting a curse on all who read it, the _Twilight _books have another dark secret. It turns out that Lord Voldemort is back to making Horcruxes, but this time, he's putting them into paper. That's right. Much like Tom Riddle's diary, every single copy of _Twilight _possesses a piece of Voldy's soul. For those of you unaware or mathematically challenged, that's over a million Horcruxes floating around. Some may be in your classmate's bookbag, some may be sitting on a shelf in your nearest library. As you can imagine, this creates quite an issue, for it means that in order to defeat Voldemort again, every single Horcrux would have to be destroyed.


	3. Expectations

**Expectations.**

If you have not been affected by Voldemort's curse or still possess most of your thinking capabilities, then this is what you need to do: Take your copy of _Twilight _and destroy it. If you happen to have a Basilisk fang lying around, stab the book with it. If not, Fiendfyre is just as effective, but be very careful when using it and make sure it's in a contained area. If you have a friend or relative who's fallen victim to Voldemort's plot, simply take their copy of the book and destroy it as well. This should put an end to the curse in their body, though if they still show signs of Rob Pattinson adoration or sparkly vampire lust, consult St. Mungo's immediately.

With your aid, we can put an end to this disaster forever. Please, do your part, and help us rid the world of Dark magic and glittering vegetarian vampires forever. Thank you.


End file.
